Envy and Regret are the Heart's Sorrows
by Woody2792
Summary: Mainly Jac's POV. Jac/Joseph Romance ensues. Set before, at, and after the time of Joseph's wedding to Faye. Please read and review! Now COMPLETED.
1. Prologue

**Yes, I do know that I shouldn't be posting a new fic up when I have so many others to work on, but I couldn't help it. Please don't shoot me…**

**You can review though *hopeful grin* If I don't know whether people are enjoying it, I may not continue, so please, just a line or something =)**

**Woody2792x**

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Waking from her motorcycle accident, Jac took everything in slowly. She had a vague memory of talking in between her bouts of unconsciousness, and asking for Joseph, but other than that it was all a haze of pain and darkness. To see Joseph in the room with her was a surprise, especially when she had been spying on Faye to dig up some dirt... they exchanged brief greetings, and there was a moment of silence before the conversation started properly, along with a diluted version of snark. There was a brief moment of shock when he mentioned his and Faye's engagement, but it passed quicker than it could have done.

It seemed so easy to slip back into the flow of banter they had shared when they were dating, but there was an extremely tangible barrier present and between them. Jac studied Joseph's face as a silence fell between them; he was very nearly glowing with the recent occasion of his and Faye's engagement. Yet she could tell there was a small part of him that was withdrawn, cussing about letting it slip to his old flame, a tangled mess churning inside him; she did not need to have him verbally or physically show this, she just _knew_. As soon as the words had left his mouth, Jac knew that Joseph regretted them – Faye would not appreciate her knowing about it. He tried to cover his mistake by being blasé about it, almost shrugging the news off as being a common, daily occurrence.

Jac was split in two; she did not know whether she should let her inner-bitch take control and crow about it to anyone who would listen, or whether she should control the bitch and simply be happy for him. It was not as though she wanted to hurt anyone or push them away, she never did, but that was her self-preservation technique. In her current position of a hospital bed and unable to move, she knew the first option would be difficult to achieve, yet the second was almost going to be impossible. It was going to go against her instinct, going to hurt her, but for the sake of their past together, Jac vowed she would try to _appear_ happy; even if it was only outwardly. So she pulled herself together, put all her feelings to do with Joseph away, and gave him her congratulations. She could not quite manage to keep the surprise, hurt, and snark out of her voice, but it was toned way below her normal. Jac knew he would see through it and think the worst, that she was just trying to gain a foothold to hurt him, but she had to do it this way; she cared too much to hurt him deliberately.

So she had screwed up in the past, when she placed her career in higher esteem than her feelings, ruining her small chance of happiness with Joseph. There was not a single shift she did not regret it, especially since Faye had begun to work at Holby. Every time she saw them together, it was as though a stake was being driven through her chest, through her heart, through her soul; and there was nothing she could do to change it.

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	2. Chapter 1

**Here's the second chapter – a shortie, I know...**

**Please review – they make me improve =)**

**Woody2792x**

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With the wedding day getting closer, Jac's defence system became more and more evident: she was overly touchy about anything, hated being interrupted, and her bitching was raised to a whole new level. She began to find work very near to unbearable; there were small reminders everywhere, from the magazines left lying around, to the picture-perfect moments where the couple were together. There was very little else being talked about on the ward and people were slowly starting to change their attitude to _her_ as well. It varied from the once-in-a-lifetime sympathetic glance, to a look of smugness shot in her direction, a look of superiority, a brief roll of the eyes.

All of this added up to make Jac on tenterhooks; it was not as though she had anyone she could talk to in order to get ideas or help from, or that there was anyone who would understand what she was feeling. To be perfectly honest, _she_ did not know how she felt, and that of all things was winding her up. As far as Joseph was concerned, all of her bridges were burnt; she had irreparably betrayed him, lied to him, hurt him more than she wanted to think about, and yet she just did not want to believe in the rational explanation. She wanted the irrational scenario to be true, the one where he accepted her apology without thinking she was double-planning, where Faye was exposed for being the murdering gold-digging bitch that she is and the one where Jac got back with Joseph. She would do anything for him; he was the reason she had a motorbike accident, the reason she found it so hard to get up in the morning, the reason she wanted to curl up in a corner and cry every time she thought of what she had had a chance at.

Every night, when she got into bed, Jac curled up on one side and hugged her knees to her chest. Sometimes the tears would arrive, sometimes they would not. But the result was the same either way. As she was dropping off to sleep, Jac would feel the memory of an arm snaking around her waist, a body against the back of hers; she could feel the memory of Joseph spooning her as they slept. Whoever had put this in her mind at night was a cruel, cruel person, but there was nothing she could do to stop it. It would come and comfort her if she was crying in bed, or on her sofa, and it was not until she leaned into where the 'body' was that she truly woke up. Woke up to the truth that there was no one there, that there was no one who loved her, and that nobody really cared.

However much Jac wracked her mind, she could not think of anything to do; there was nothing that would either help her position, or put her in one where she stood a chance of helping herself without hurting anyone. Until she could come up with something, she was stuck with her memories.

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	3. Chapter 2

**The bold, italic parts are taken from the Lockdown episode – it took a lot of effort to scribe them!**

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'_I meant every word I said._'

'_It may have escaped your attention, but I'm getting married._'

Jac blinked a couple of times, trying to get the sound of her and Joseph's voices out of her mind. Today was the day she would lose Joseph forever; there was no going back once he was at the altar with _her_. Checking the time on her watch, she dropped a patient file onto the counter and grabbed another one before striding off to the patient's bed. It was going to be a day where she had to keep herself busy, immersed in work, or nothing would stop the torrent of thoughts that were assaulting her mind.

The registrar only managed to start administering treatment to three patients before she was interrupted by a phone call from Mr Griffin – the day suddenly became a lot worse with the news she had to babysit the new intake of F1s. With this added problem, she quickly opened fire on them, automatically letting her bitchy side repress any burning questions they may have had, and it seemed to do the job. She set them their first task of prioritising patients before she went to lean on the desk, vaguely looking in the direction of the board. Almost instantly the voices returned, blending into her mind with more force than before, the thoughts whirling around them too.

Following Faye to the care home had been a result of her instinct to protect him, to stop him getting more hurt than he already was; there was no need to double-guess her motives, or try to decipher her _real_ reasons. It was almost a direct parallel to when they were locked in the operating theatre together, when he had aptly said _'Maybe it's instinctive to protect people that you care about, whether consciously or unconsciously'_.

That evening had brought about many home truths for Jac, and she had examined everything that had passed between her and Joseph many a time since that day.

_**You said about protecting people you care about.**_

_**Not now.**_

_**I'm just asking. God, I can't even frame the words I'm so tangled up.**_

_**Do I care about you. Do you really need to ask that?**_

Jac always needed to ask that, she needed the reassurance that she was not surplus to anything, not being stringed along; it was especially needed when it came to Joseph. However much of a hard front she put up, there was always the scared child in her that did not want to be abandoned again; unfortunately her fear generally went on overdrive and pushed people away, as it did with Joseph.

The part of the conversation that had really gotten to Jac though was when they were talking about seeing Madame Butterfly. She had endured the horror that was known as opera because Joseph had arranged for them to go and she wanted to make a good impression. Even that early on, she knew there was _something_ about him...

_**Well uncharacteristically, I didn't want to hurt your feelings. We hadn't been together for very long. Your hands were shaking. You don't remember, do you?**_

_**I remember.**_

_**Men never remember detail, just the carnal event, and even then the memory of that is twisted by their gigantic egos.**_

_**I remember.**_

_**Go on then.**_

_**You had your hair up, never seen it like that before or since, you wore a dark green velvet dress with a shawl, silver shell necklace, and a beautiful broad smile. Couldn't stop smiling. You looked like someone else. No. Actually you looked like you, like you should look. Stays in my mind you know, just locked away.**_

To know that he still thought of her, remembered her in that much detail, just made her break down. She could not help it, she was falling for him all over again with hope they were not too ruined by everything.

Joseph knew her so well, it was unnerving. He managed to dig right down to her basics and bring them out of her. She knew that he had given her everything she could have ever wanted, and more, yet she was so blind-sighted that she took it for granted, and moved onto higher prospects. That was her mistake. She disregarded her feelings, and instead went with her mantra of always looking forward and up, everything can get you where you want; at that time it was to the top of the CT profession.

_**No self-esteem – why you kick out at anyone who cares for you. But you want family, a future, want to belong. **_**I**_** gave you all of that, and what did you do with it, hm?**_

_**It's complicated.**_** Used**_** to be very complicated but it's simple now, for me anyway. I will never feel for anyone else what I feel for you. **_**[**PAUSE**]**_** I'd like to be happy for you and Faye, but I'm not. I can't pretend to be. You know how I feel about us, you always have done.**_

_**Right.**_

_**And if you're honest, you'll admit you feel the same way. I'm right, aren't I?**_

She could feel her defence shield creeping back up around her, making her forward and bolshie as normal; she could not help it, it came and went as it decided. She ached without him, knowing he was so close yet she could not, dared not, touch him. Not even in recognition of what they had once had. She needed to know once and for all if there was anything, even the tiniest of glimmers that related to her.

[PAUSE]_**You've got a choice.**_

_**No.**_

_**Yes. I'm giving you a choice; Faye wants you back and so do I. So–**_

_**This isn't anything to do with Faye–**_

_**You love her.**_

_**... Yeah.**_

_**No.**_

_**Yes. A diff– not the same, kind of love, but er - **_

_**Love is love. It's duty. Duty and guilt is what drives this because you slept with me.**_

_**Which **_**you**_** engineered.**_

_**You wanted me as much as I wanted you.**_ [PAUSE]_** Don't you ever think about it?**_

_**All the time **_[PAUSE]_** But there's a massive difference between what is real here and now and what could have been.**_

_**Can be.**_

_**We had our time.**_

_**It'll be different, I'm different.**_

_**I want this as much as you, I want to put the clocks back as much as you do, but I can't **_[PAUSE]_** Too much has happened. You've hurt me too often. I've tried, okay? But I can't.**_

Jac straightened up sharply, and walked towards the locker rooms. From there, she grabbed her motorbike suit, helmet and keys, and told one of the nurses to tell Mark that the HOs were in his care as of NOW. She took the stairs two at a time, not wanting to wait for the lift. Dressed in her leathers, she put the ignition on, and revved the engine. The visor on her helmet was snapped down, and she raced off. Joseph was not just a ghost in her past, she could no more survive without oxygen than she could forget him; he was the best thing that had happened to her, the best person she knew, and she was not about to give up on him that easily – it was not in her nature.

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**I just want to thank Cassidy TV Nut for helping me so much with this fic – the lengthy idea for it, and the generalness when I've gone 'Help!' to her! Without her, this wouldn't exist, so I can only hope that I'm doing it, and her, justice. Reviews are a good way to show what you think – she reads them too, so let us know what you think! And don't say that there aren't many of you reading it, I see the number of readers I've had since it's been posted. 43 visitors and only 2 separate people reviewed... =/**

**Woody2792x**


	4. Chapter 3

It was not long before Jac reached the Byrne family home. She had heard Mark and Elliott talking earlier, about how Sophia and Anne-Marie Byrne had changed the wedding venue in order to surprise Joseph. She carefully rode her bike until she was a little further round from the main entrance; got off and left her helmet on the seat, and cautiously went to the doors. Luckily there was no one waiting to greet guests, it appeared it was too early, and for that she was glad – that on its own would have been a nightmare after the way she had behaved. Jac took a brief moment to orientate herself, and then she quietly slipped upstairs. Hoping that the rooms had not changed about, the registrar lightly knocked on one of the doors, relief flowing through her as a quiet Joseph told her to come in.

Tentatively, she pushed the door open and stepped inside, shutting it securely behind her. Her worry over raised voices and being found by another of the Byrnes just evaporated when she saw Joseph. He looked good dressed in a suit every day at work, but at that moment he looked unbelievably handsome. It could have been something to do with the cut of the suit, or the material it was made from, but Jac suspected it was due to the scene that played over and over in her mind, where she was wearing a white dress instead of motorbike leathers, a smile on her face instead of a worried frown. In true Joseph style, he did not raise his voice at the sight of her; the tone of it indicated all that he wanted to convey – confusion and anger.

'What the hell are you doing here Jac? Who let you up here?'

'I had to see you, to talk to you. There wasn't anybody downstairs, so I–'

'You just thought you would come up here did you?'

An involuntary shiver ran down Jac's spine, she was not so sure that going to see him was he right thing to do.

'Jac, you know I'm getting married, so if you're here to bitch then it's a bit late. You thought you had found something with Archie, but you didn't, all that proved was your inability to consider others and how cold hearted you can really be.'

'I did that for you, because I care for you and don't want to see you get hurt. I'm afraid for you, afraid that that's what will happen, and something worse will follow. I know I screwed up big time, it's something I have to deal with every day, and I know it hit you hard; nothing can ever take those actions back or remove the pain I caused you. Feel how you want about what happened; I know I'll never forgive myself, but please, hear me out.'

'Why should I do that, hmm?'

Joseph took a step forwards, a step towards her; confusion, anger and pain evident in his voice.

'Because I love you and this is my last chance before I lose you forever. Please, even if it's only so you can throw it all back at me later.'

He did not even take the time to think it through, but jerked his head upwards, indicating she should go on, a look of scepticism and wariness etched on his face.

'Thanks, I know this can't change anything, but I have to say it. There are just a couple of things I thought you should know, that I had to clarify. Firstly, with your father, I never intended on falling for you properly. You took me by surprise and made me surprise myself. Throughout my whole life, if I've wanted something then I've had to get it. No ifs, buts or maybes. So when I saw an opportunity to get where I wanted in medicine, in the hospital, I took it. It didn't matter what the cost of it was, how much I hurt the people around me or myself. And I certainly did not envisage myself truly falling in love.

'But, being me, I didn't realise what was going on until around the time we were locked in the operating theatre. Those hours opened my eyes, both to myself and to you. You say that you can't do anything, that you're with Faye, and I understand it, I really do. But there has to be some reason behind remembering everything so clearly; and you said yourself that you wanted to turn the clocks back. Would it matter if _I_ described how I remembered us? I went through hours of opera, trying to impress you, make sure you liked me. Every time I saw you I couldn't help but smile, whether it showed on the outside or it was just inside of me. Every brief moment of contact we had, from accidental touches while passing patient files to having your hands on my waist; they set my skin alight. It would tingle for hours afterwards, to the point where all I had to do was remember and I would feel you. To this day, I can still feel you lying with me, holding me, although it seems like more of a curse now than back then. And when we kissed, you didn't kiss my lips, you kissed my soul.

'I'm sorry for what I did to you Joseph, there isn't a moment I don't regret it, but you had to know. I had to tell you before I lost you. Where're you going?'

He walked straight past Jac and out through his bedroom door, tangling his hands together and apart constantly. She followed him downstairs as he answered, not bothered if anyone saw her now.

'I cannot do this Jac, not now, not today, on my wedding day. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to just chec–'

Joseph stopped dead in a doorway off the main entrance hall, his hand resting on the door handle. He turned slightly, as though making to walk back out, the way he had come, but changed his mind at the last minute. There was the sound of lips breaking a kiss when he cleared his throat, his presence presiding over the volume of it. The sound of Faye's voice reached Jac's ears and she widened her eyes in surprise, she was kissing someone else?!

'Joseph, it was nothing. He just rang to get me here because he wanted to wish us luck before the ceremony and he wasn't sure if the flowers–'

'He was wishing _us_ luck, by kissing _you_, like that?'

'It's not how it seems Joseph–'

Faye moved into Jac's eye line – from the ruffled hair and reddened lips, it certainly was not a very _innocent_ sort of kiss.

'Don't Faye, just don't bother. I can't deal with this now, don't follow me; that includes you Linden.'

It was only once Joseph left the room that Faye became aware that Jac was standing there...

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**Hopefully you guys found this slightly more dramatic than the others. It was a slight variation on the actual wedding, so I'm kinda hoping the timeline of it all worked out.**

**Please review – I need to know how you guys are finding it.**

**Poll – please go and vote now – I'dd planned one more chapter after this, tying it all together, but if you want more, or not, let me know. It'll help me when I write the next (possibly final) bit.**

**Woody2792x**


	5. Chapter 4

Almost immediately, Faye strode over and slapped Jac across the cheek, backhanding her across the other one.

'What the hell did you say to him Jacqueline Naylor?'

'Nothing. Maybe it was the fact that you and Cullen were kissing that made him a little angry.'

'What are you doing here anyway? Come to spoil it all did you?'

'I had to talk to Joseph, that was all. And I think you managed to spoil it all on your own, without me.'

Joseph returned, the two women stopped talking and turned to look at him.

'Quite ironically Faye, _I_ had come down to check on the flowers and make sure that they were ready.'

Lady Byrne entered as Joseph finished his sentence, and she looked disappointedly at Faye before talking, almost ignoring Jac's presence.

'I don't think it's quite appropriate for you to be here after that Faye, maybe you should leave.'

With a huff, Faye gathered the hem of her dress up, and walked out, Linden following after her sheepishly. Like a vulture, Lady Byrne turned to face Jac – it seemed that she had noticed her there after all.

'I don't know what you're doing here, and to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure I want to know, but perhaps you should think of going.'

And as quickly as she had entered, she was gone again, leaving Jac and Joseph in the room together, alone. There was a moment of silence, before Joseph broke it, his voice low with an undercurrent of anger-come-hysteria.

'I don't know what it is about you Jac, but things always go wrong around you. It's as though you have to merely think of being there and bam, that's it. Why did you come today? Today of all days; it would have been nice to have just _one_ thing that went right for me.'

'So you'd rather have married _her_? After that? After she thinks nothing was wrong about cheating on you on your wedding day? Right, I'd better be off then, nice to see our chat meant something more than what I said, because obviously you managed to hear the second meaning of whatever it was I said.'

Fighting the prickling behind her eyes, Jac took off at a run and jumped on her bike. She kick started the engine and rode out of the gate, stopping a couple of metres from the opening. Carefully, she un-wedged the helmet from between her thighs, letting it roll onto the floor, and she looked at her hands. They were gripping the handlebars so tightly that her knuckles, already white, were becoming exceptionally cold and she could feel them tightening as cramp began to set in. She knew she could not ride any further, because it was quite likely she would lose control, but all she wanted to do was put as much distance between herself and Joseph Byrne as was possible.

How could he? That had quite clearly had nothing to do with her, how was she meant to have got Faye to kiss Linden anyway? Pah. Maybe she should resign, cut every tie with him once and for all; it was hard enough to get through the day before this happened, but now? Jac had an inkling that it was going to be ten times worse, if not more. She shook her head, trying to make sense of everything going through her head. She could not make any rational decisions now, not after that, she needed to just go home, make a mug of hot chocolate and put comfy clothes on, before curling up on the sofa to rethink things. Screw work, Mark could handle the ward and the newbies for an afternoon.

Jac had her eyes closed and was resting her hands on her thighs, taking deep breaths in and releasing them slowly. Her heart rate had slowed to a normal rate, and she turned the key in the ignition, her eyes still closed, switching the engine on when a hand covered her own, turning it off again.

'Joe, leave it. Let me go, don't make it harder for me. Please. I know you hate me, but give me this small bit of care.'

'I was just angry, I shouldn't have taken it out on you, I was the wrong thing to do.'

'No, you shouldn't have.'

'Jac, it would take a while, or it might never happen but, erm, I'd be willing to give 'us' another go. This is why I followed you, and because I had to apologise. It would depend on how everything panned out though.'

'Obviously.'

'Without you, I find it hard to function. Even though we weren't together, I still saw you at work. When you left, the thought of losing you hurt me in a way I hadn't noticed before, in a way I had suppressed before with anger. Without me knowing, somehow you've become the centre of my life, the Sun in my galaxy. The pull of you is stronger than anything I've known, so whatever you do, don't leave me. I understand this is a complete turnaround from earlier, but there's something about seeing your fiancée kissing your best man that puts things into perspective.'

Joseph trailed off, his hand still resting on Jac's. She could see him looking at her, waiting for an answer, and as much as she wanted to, there was little else she could do. Gently, she twisted around in her seat to face him properly and stroked his cheek lightly.

'You know how I feel; I laid that out far too clearly earlier. And you know how much I'd love to say yes, let's do it. But I also know what could happen if we rush in, or you think it over a bit more. You've just lost your potential wife, in a way that can only be described as emotionally traumatic. After all I said earlier, it hurts so much to have even thought about saying this, but let's leave it for a day or two, to make sure. I'm not sure I could cope if you changed your mind or anything, okay? I'll see you at work tomorrow Joe.'

A smile flitted across her face as she got hold of his coat lapels and pulled him towards her. Their lips met for a brief second, far too short in Jac's opinion, but she could not risk any longer. Then she restarted the engine, picked up her helmet and put it on, and sped off towards the hospital.

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**Call me mean if you want, but seeing as people want this to be continued, I figured I can drag them getting together properly out for a bit longer, make it more realistic etc.**

**Please review – anyone who has will tell you how much they mean to me, because I reply to every single one of them.**

**Woody2792x**


	6. Chapter 6

For the next week, things were slightly strained between Jac and Joseph. Neither of them were sure how they were meant to proceed through this, they were sure they would get through it, but how? Even though she was the one to say they should wait, Jac had no idea how long for, what was meant to happen to mean it was a good time to get together, or anything. And worst of all, she did not have anyone she could ask.

They lasted until early Saturday morning, after working the late shift. It was about 2 am, and Jac was just getting changed from her scrubs when Joseph walked in. Almost immediately he started backing out, apologising for not knocking, but Jac just walked over to him and pulled him back in through the door. She shut the door and flicked the catch, effectively locking them in until somebody _really_ tried to get in.

'Joe, I'm not really sure how to go from here... this week has been tiring, dancing around each other and I just want to stop waiting. But I have to know, do you feel the way you did after your wedd–'

Jac never got a chance to finish her sentence; she was pushed up against the door with Joseph's lips on hers. A low moan made it through her throat – she had missed him _so_ much. His hands slipped under the top she was wearing while travelling up from her hips to her waist, one moved to the small of her back to press her against him, the other stayed on her waist, the thumb running up and down her skin. Jac entwined her fingers behind his head, twisting them into his hair and lightly applying pressure to the area just behind his ears. A growl rumbled through Joseph's throat as he kissed her more fervently; Jac could not physically get any closer to the door without either becoming part of the wood, or part of Joseph, and she loved it. In reciprocation, Jac pulled her hands down from Joseph's head, firmly down his neck and shoulders and ducked them under his arms, to pull him from his lower back.

She was just turning in his embrace to avoid the door handle, when a solid lump in his pocket vibrated against her hip. With a sharp intake of breath, they broke apart and Joseph fumbled around in his pocket to reach it.

'Who on _earth_ would be texting me at this time in... Right, I'm going to have a word with him tomorrow.'

'Who was it?'

'Michael Spence; considering it's him saying that I'm, and I quote, eh, "Well fit" and "Can't wait to get me into bed", then I'm going to assume someone either stole it, he's drunk, or he has a secret he hasn't told or hinted about _at all_.'

'I'll fight him for you.'

Jac blushed as she said that – knowing her, it was too early to joke like that – but the look Joseph gave her pushed all form of doubt from her mind. He just turned from her, put his stethoscope in his locker and grabbed his keys. He took her hand and unlocked the door, thank goodness there was no one in the ward other than the patients, and they left to go to his car.

Without breaking the speed limit too much, they reached his apartment in record time and barely made it through the door before they started kissing again...

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**Okay, short chapter I know – sorry, but I figured an update was preferable to no update at all. If I could write smut, I would, but as I can't, you'll have to make do with your imagination ;-p**

**Next one – Jac meets Lady Byrne again... dun dun duh!!**

**Please review!**

**Woody2792x**


	7. Chapter 7

A lot later that morning, Jac woke up to an empty bed and involuntarily, her heart rate increased, accompanied by a sinking feeling. She grabbed Joseph's shirt from the floor and did a couple of the buttons up before leaving his bedroom. Maybe he had left , to lgive her space to get ready and out before he returned. Maybe he had realised this whole thing was a mistake between them...

A low rumble resounded from the kitchen, Joseph's laugh. Relief flooded through Jac's veins and she went in to see him talking on the phone.

'Yes of course I will, no, do stop fussing. Yes, yes I'll do that. Okay, see you tomorrow then. Bye.'

He placed his mobile phone on the kitchen counter before walking over to her and placing his hands on her waist. A lopsided smile was fixed on his face as he spoke.

'How come you look better in my shirts than I do, hey?'

'Oh I don't know, you _do_ look pretty dashing in them yourself...'

'Mhm... ' If there was anything else to come in that response, it was lost as their lips touched; only breaking apart when the kettle finished boiling.

'Coffee?'

'Thanks. Who were you on the phone to?'

'Mother, she's invited us to Sunday roast tomorrow.'

'What?! I can't, you know that. After... After what happened. It was bad enough that she saw me there at your wedd– and you... Jo-oe...'

'Breathe. It'll be fine Jac. She doesn't know it's you, but that's not the point. She'd have to find out one day anyway.'

'Really? I don't think she would. There would have to be _some_ way around it...'

Jac was acting completely out of character, and she knew it, but she had torn this family apart once already – if she caused a rift between Joseph and his mother and sister, she would never forgive herself. Not that she credited herself with that power; it was more likely that they would get him to come to his senses, and he would leave of his own accord but that was someway in the future yet... Or so she had thought. Joseph set the kettle down and quickly poured the milk in before turning to Jac again and opened his arms to her.

'Come here, silly.'

Gratefully, she stepped forwards and into his embrace. With her hands linked around his back, and her head resting on his shoulder, she breathed in deeply. The reverberating _thump_ of his heart and his warmth relaxed her, as it had since their first date; even after all that had happened and come between them he made everything go away.

'Alright, I guess it _is_ better now rather than later.'

'There we go. Right, let's have this coffee, get ready, and then I'm taking you out to brea– lunch. Okay?'

The next day, Jac had to be talked into going another three times, and only relented because Joseph pleaded with her and wore his blue shirt, which brought out the colour of his eyes. She had chosen an understated red summer dress paired with a white cardigan; she had gone for flat shoes in the event of being chased away or something equally as unlikely – Joseph could not reassure her _that_ much. Jac was watching some nature programme on the TV while waiting for Joe to finish getting ready, but nothing was sinking in. She vaguely remembered the synopsis having something to do with spectacled-bears in, but past that... all that was occupying her mind were numerous scenarios of what was going to happen, the majority of which did not end well for her. Jac was roused from her day-mares with a start, a careful hand gently squeezing her shoulder.

The car journey was quiet as Jac and Joseph were lost in their separate thoughts. The crunching of gravel signalled their arrival; with genuine fear, Jac took Joseph's hand and they walked up to the house. The doorbell was rung, and Lady Byrne's initial reaction upon opening the door was one of joy and happiness, when she saw Joseph. This quickly changed to one of anger, her expression becoming thunderous and her eyebrows narrowing dangerously.

'What is _she_ doing here?'

'Mother, Jac and I–'

'After what happened? Joseph, you can_not_ be serious.'

'Mother, please–'

'She'll break you Joseph, like she broke your father; he'd be so disappointed in you–'

'Mother, leave it. I'm happy alright?'

'You won't be for long, not now she's dug her claws into you.'

'Let's just go and eat, we can talk after dinner.'

To say that dinner was uncomfortable was about as understated as was possible. Even with her eyes just focussed down to the table, on eating carefully and neatly, Jac could feel the burn of Anne-Marie's eyes on her. To her side, Joseph was as tensed up as he could be, the cutlery shaking in his hands. The meal passed in relative silence, a couple of compliments about the food passing between Joseph and his mother.

After everything was cleared away, everyone ended up in the sitting room, sitting at three points of a triangle. Jac was unsure of what was about to happen, but from the look on both Byrne's faces; it was not going to be good. First to clear her throat was Anne-Marie, and she was also the first to start the assault.

'So, Joe, explain _this_ then.'

'Mother, I'm back together with Jac.'

'I can see that. Why? Don't you remember what she put us through, put me through, put your father through?'

'We all make mistakes mother. I have made plenty of my own, Harry did as well, and as for father, he most certainly did. I'm not going to say that Jac is perfect to everyone, but that's all it was before, a mistake. I piled all of my mistakes onto my memory of Jac, made her represent everything that was wrong with the world. Even when she was trying to look out for me, I took it the wrong way.'

'What about Faye? You were ready to commit to her about a week ago; have you really moved on so quickly?'

'She was my escape, my reason to keep hating Jac.'

Anne-Marie narrowed her eyes at Jac, who promptly averted her gaze. Joseph was stoically defending her, saying things that made Jac feel warm inside, and yet she was just sitting there, silent as a puppet. She decided to be strong, and stand up for herself.

'Look, I know what I did was wrong, and it hurt you and your family; there hasn't been a day that's gone by when I haven't regretted every second of what happened. If I could go back, I wouldn't think twice about it, but as it is, there's very little that I can do except to prove to you that I've changed. I never once thought I would get a second chance at being with Joseph, but fate graced me with another – I'm not going to screw this up like I did last time; I'm not going to screw _anything_ up like I did last time. Nothing could make me ruin this, Joe means more to me that anything ever has.'

'If he means so much to you, then leave. Leave right now and don't look back. Get out of my house.'

Joseph started to protest at his mother's words; Jac looked at him, taking in the shock and fear in his eyes. Anne-Marie cut across whatever words he was trying to form.

'I can't even begin to comprehend what you were thinking Joseph Charles Mortimer Byrne, how dare you, after what she did to your father and at his funeral, so soon after Faye as well.' She turned back to Jac before raising her voice a little further, saying, 'Go!'

She made shooing motions with her hands, and then pointed towards the hallway. Joseph began to protest again, but this time Jac herself cut him off.

'Joe, it's fine. If this is what has to happen, or would be best to happen, then it's what I'll do.'

Jac got up from her seat, and turned towards the door and started to walk out. Behind her, she could hear Anne-Marie muttering, getting louder as she moved further away.

'Well, for once she seems to have made the right decision. Don't you even think of it Joseph, don't you dare. She's ruined this family enough as it is without taking another shot at you.'

Jac kept her steps slow and controlled until she closed the front door behind her. Then she ran. Tears running down her face, she made it over the road and into the woods on the other side; leaning against a tree she sank to the floor, sobs wracking her body. She knew that the meal was going to be bad, but she did not think it would elicit such a reaction from her. now all she had to hope was that Joseph would come to find her, and that he would not think any less of her for running out, or that his feelings would not have changed...

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**Schoolwork is slowly killing me... so I took a short space in my schedule to scribble this down. Hope you guys enjoy it – drop me a line to let me know – it won't take very long.**

**Thanks,**

**Woody2792x**


	8. Chapter 8

Within five minutes it had started to rain, the tree behind her only offering a small amount of protection. She soon lost count of the liquid drops trailing down her face; whether they were tears or raindrops didn't seem to matter anymore – it just was. Her sobs had subsided into occasional sniffles, but she could still feel tears spilling onto her cheeks. Jac hugged her knees to her chest, and laid her head on them, facing out across the fields. There was a low rumbling of thunder in the sky, followed by a bolt of pink-ish lightning – the rain did not seem as though it was going to let up anytime soon. But there was very little she could do, without Joseph she could not go home – he had the car, and there was no way she was going to go back to the Byrne mansion anytime soon. What had surprised her though was the difference in greetings Lady Byrne had given her; at the wedding she had seemed almost cold and indifferent, yet today she had been angry and nearly fuming. Reluctantly, Jac gave into a shiver, which was quickly followed by another. She knew it was foolish to be sitting outside during a rainstorm, especially as it was getting cooler, darker, and she was only wearing a simple dress, yet what else was there for her to do?

She jumped, and gave out a shriek of surprise as a hand squeezed her shoulder; the surprise quickly turned into shock as another hand made its way round to cover her mouth. She quickly began to struggle – there was no Lola to save her here if it was another Alan Clooney, there was _no one_ here. she quieted down as the person spoke to her, her heart thudding away in her chest.

'Shush, Jac, it's me, Joseph. Don't freak out, I only covered your mouth because I don't want mother to hear, if indeed she bothered to follow me or anything of the like.'

'Joe? I, I thought–'

Jac's tears started up again as she was pulled up to her feet and into Joseph's embrace; despite the rain, he still felt warm and with his arms circled around her she could not help but feel protected. After a few minutes of just standing, Joe loosened his grip on her, leant back a little and hooked a finger under her chin to tilt her face up to look at him.

'Jac, you never have to worry that you'll lose me, never.'

'How did you...?'

Joseph smiled, chuckling a little. 'Because I know you. You put up a hard front, but if someone's close to you, and anything tips the balance a little, you get scared and assume the worst. It's a sweet quality, but it's not worth doing to yourself, not now you have me. Before, I thought I understood you, but now I know I didn't. I'd hardly scratched the surface of you; hopefully this time we'll last long enough for me to learn all about you. It's going to be hard for both of us, to relinquish that small control we have over our lives, but we can do it. I believe in us.'

Jac gazed deeply into Joseph's blue eyes, a smile ghosting her lips. Every time she thought she had found the bottom of Joseph's heart, he opened up new depths and swallowed her into them. She had no idea what she did to deserve him, but she was not going to lose him, he meant to much to her. She moved one of her hands from his waist to his cheek and stroked her thumb along his jawbone, then his bottom lip. Tentatively she tilted her head, flicking her eyes between his eyes and his lips. Slowly, she closed the gap between them, relishing the contact between their lips. Their bodies soon became flush with each other, warmth being shared between them. Neither one of them noticed the rain get heavier, nor that they were getting soaked by it, nor that there was thunder crashed all around them, all they cared about were each other.

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**A/N: Hey, I'm slowly making time for an update here and there – it was finally ERAHS turn!**

**Now, I think you ought to know – the next chapter is the last one I'm planning on writing – it'll tie up a few loose ends. However, I am planning on writing a sequel if you guys want to read one – it'll be a continuation of the Jac/Joseph relationship. I will need to know if you want it, so drop a review and say, please.**

**Thanks, Woody2792x**


	9. Epilogue

_2 months later..._

Jac and Joseph had both taken the day off work in order to go to Nick Jordan and Zoe Hanna's wedding. Jac had an inkling that she was only invited so that she took his apology seriously, but at the end of the day it had been a nice gesture. At the actual church ceremony, everyone seemed to think that Joseph had been invited on his own behalf, not that he was Jac's plus one; this had suited them both fine – as much as they both wanted to come out with their relationship, it was _not_ appropriate to do it just as someone else said their vows.

When they reached the venue for the evening do, it all kicked off. There was alcohol, nibbles, and a great DJ – nothing could be netter, nor was missing. The couple, as tradition decreed, took to the dance floor and opened the first song; everyone eventually joined them halfway through it. Jac and Joseph stayed over by the drinks' table for the first few songs, quite happy to just talk to each other and listen to the music; this was disturbed when the groom came over and 'borrowed' Jac for a dance. They were silent for a little while, but soon curiosity and manners prevailed. It seemed strange to be dancing with an old flame, especially one which had caused her so much pain, but then Jac reasoned that things _do_ change – after all, she was with Joseph again.

'Good to see that you've settled down Nick.'

'Ah, it takes a lot to settle me down, but even more to settle Zoe; I guess in that sense we're perfect for each other... What about you then, has anyone tamed your flame yet?'

'Actually, yes, there is, for good this time; I don't think, if things plan out as we both want, that I'll be single again.'

'Well good for you. I must admit, I thought that if the Byrne took you back he'd be a fool, but something's changed you, even _I_ can see that. I wish you luck Jac – if all this can happen for me, then surely it can happen for you too. Now then, we can't make him wait, can we?'

With a smile and a flourish, Nick kissed Jac's cheek, and passed her hand to Joseph, who took it, a little surprised.

'Well, that was, eh, well timed and skilled!'

'That's Nick Jordan to a T for you Joe. Whether it's the alcohol or just being here, I just wanted to say that I love you, heart and soul. I'm glad we got back together, and that you let me back in.'

'I wouldn't have it any other way. To think that if you hadn't interrupted the prep for my wedding, then we wouldn't be here is something I don't even want to consider. Jac Naylor, I love you too, with everything I have.'

Still dancing, Joseph leant down and kissed Jac on the lips, tenderly enough to express his feelings, but still solidly enough to claim her as his own. There was a sudden exclamation from Donna, who was stood on the other side of the room, '_The_ Naylor and Mr Byrne? Really?', at which point the couple broke apart. They looked over at the nurse, who looked shell-shocked, and smiled as they turned back to each other. They wouldn't have it any other way.

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**Ah, it has indeed been a long journey, longer than planned, h****owever, no less enjoyed. :)**

**This chapter may seem a little choppy to you, but I needed to sum it all up with _something_, and this did just that.**

**Hopefully you guys have had fun reading this; there will be a sequel sometime over the summer - so keep an eye out for it!**

**Please, with one last plea, leave me a review. Feedback lets me grow as a writer, and even criticism helps me - either is good. You can leave ideas for the sequel in a review, tell me how bad the whole story has been, or whether you liked it, or whatever you have to say.**

**Until next time,**

**Wood2792x**


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